I’m Afraid to Eat

Wow. There. I’ve said it. So this is the post that has been difficult to write. Something I’ve come to realize over the last couple of weeks is that this is how I feel. I realize that I’ve been cautious and scared  of food. Scared that it will make me gain back the weight I’ve lost, scared that it will be my downfall and I won’t be able to control myself.

I’ve noticed a trend lately. Here’s what’s been happening: I will try to minimize what I eat during the day to save lots of points (read: calories) for the evening. I try my willpower and push it to its max and because I’m not eating enough I end up giving in and “snacking”. I’ve been saying snacking has been my downfall, but I’m not being 100% honest with myself – my downfall (my snacking) has actually been a series of mini-binges. I’ll let myself get so hungry by the evening that I’ll eat whatever is around. Crackers, popcorn, PB & J sandwiches, chocolate I was saving, fruit (but too much of it). It’s not healthy and it’s not doing me any good.

It’s making me preoccupied with food. It’s making me not track all this eating (because really, how can I when I didn’t even look at what I was eating?) and then gain which in turn leads me to trying to restrict my eating to lose the weight which ends in these mini-binges. See the disastrous circle I’ve created for myself?

Where is my resolve? Where are my good eating habits I’ve been working on developing? Why won’t this seemingly insatiable hunger leave me alone? 

I used to be able to manage my hunger. I used to be able to eat healthy meals and feel full and comfortable. I used to be able to have a treat every now and then and then leave it. I used to be able to resist the nuts and crackers sitting out at work. I don’t know where that’s gone. I’m scared it’ll never come back. I’m scared of regaining.

I came across this list yesterday. I wrote it back in November 2010. What made me pause is that all of this is still true.

When do I eat:

  • When I’m bored
  • When I’m alone
  • When I think I can get away with it
  • When I come home late at night

What I CANNOT stop eating:

  • Bread.
  • French bread
  • Fresh rye bread
  • Nutella
  • Ice cream
  • Fresh pita – white
  • Tortillas – white
  • Box of cookies
  • Chips
  • Snacks of any sort
  • Chocolate
  • Pastries
  • Cereal – corn pops, quik, anything sweet, but even the granola one

For the most part I do not keep any of this in the house. Certainly not bread unless it’s in the freezer so I can’t get at all of it. Not Nutella, no matter how on sale it is, not tubs of ice cream – I can buy things like fudgesicles in individual servings, but not ice cream sandwiches, no cookies, chips, crackers or snacks other than popcorn in the house and definitely no chocolate or pastries. I also stopped buying cereal -I realized I only ate it at night as a snack. So really, it hasn’t gotten easier as I though it had, but maybe this is a blip? Maybe things will go back to how they were before where it was easier to resist? I don’t know.

This is why I’m actually looking forward to the next three weeks of my life. My time will be very regimented – we work 10am-10pm, six days a week. We have lunch at 1pm and dinner at 5pm. Every day. I will have access to a kitchen and thus I will be able to make my own food. I won’t have time to get super creative, but I will have time to create a healthy lunch and dinner for each day. I also know that I like to eat at night. This isn’t going to change anytime soon so I’ll have to come up with strategies. I will need to have food on hand that I can eat in a healthy fashion in the evening and that will stop me from going overboard in the evening.

So this is it. This is my confession. I don’t know how things are going to go over the month, but I’ll keep you in the loop. I don’t know yet if I’ll be able to weigh-in this month as I’ll be in a different country, but I’ll try. If not, I’ll still be posting updates on how I’m doing.

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