I don’t know how fat I am.
I’m actually serious about this. I was reading a forum about the topic of body awareness, and I realized that I have some pretty skewed views of my body. I realized I do not have an accurate sense of just how big my body is and how much space it takes up. I’m annoyed when people bump into me on the bus. I think – can’t you just go around, sheesh! Every now and then I will catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror, as happened this Friday night, and see my body from the most unflattering angle. It is at these times that I realized what I must look like to the outside world – not standing perfectly straight in front of the mirror lifting my head up just enough so the double-chin isn’t as pronounced.
When I was at my smallest – 176.6lbs – and I looked in the mirror the body I saw was the same body I had seen at 229lbs. I now realize why I was able to gain all the weight back and some. Because I never really saw the difference. Sure, as I gained my clothes got tighter and I had to go up a size every now and then, and my clavicles & hip bones became less pronounced, but when I looked in the mirror I saw the same body. I was told how great I looked, and how skinny I was becoming, but in the end if I didn’t see it, it was like it never happened. When I look back at photos from this time, I’m amazed at how “normal” I looked. Candid photos didn’t make me look horrible, I didn’t have to worry about double chins if I was snapped from an awkward angle.
Nowadays when I am just being myself, hanging out, working, etc. I don’t feel big. In my mind, my body doesn’t jiggle or shake. When I look down I see rolls and bumps, but I don’t think they’re THAT bad. That is, of course, until I see myself in the mirror or happen to sit beside one of my average sized friends. This past Friday night I was at an event at a hotel setting up for a show. I was wearing capris and a t-shirt as I was running around getting things ready when I sat down with a friend to discuss some details and I caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror. I LOOKED uncomfortable! I couldn’t believe it. I don’t feel uncomfortable, but just the way my body looked made me sad. It even looked like the chair was too small for me.
I have to say, it gave me the extra motivation I needed. I want the world to see the body I feel I have on the inside. I want the world to see me first and not my weight.
So I’ve decided to take my measurements. I’ve never measured myself but in my goal to SEE and become more COGNISANT of the changes taking place I need quantifiable data – not just the weight on the scale and not just the mirror. Our brains have a habit of playing tricks on us. And so, what better way to stay accountable than to publish my measurements here. I’ll update them once a month and hopefully it will help me see the progress I am making.
I measured my left side and also included my calf. I have HUGE calves and hope that they will go down, so I’ve included this measurement in hopes that one day I’ll be able to actually wear a pair of knee-high boots.
Upper Arm: 42cm or 16 1/2″
Bust: 117cm or 46″
Waist: 114cm or 45″
Hips: 128.5 cm or 50 1/2″
Upper Thigh: 73.5cm or 29″
Calf: 51.5cm or 20″
Dress Size: 18