Blargh. I’m up 2.0lbs this week. New weight is 163lbs with a total loss of 88.6lbs. I won’t feign ignorance at all. I snacked. I snacked a lot. I (clearly) didn’t count it properly, and if I’m totally honest I didn’t count all of it.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I am keeping this up and down thing going? What am I getting out if it? I feel comfortable in this body – is that it? I’m comfortable and I don’t want to change things? I think I do. I think I want to get to goal. I think I do… But I feel so stuck in my habits.
I used to be able to control my snacking and nibbling. What happened? When did I lose my willpower? When did I give in? Because that’s what it feels like sometimes. Like I’ve just given in and given up. My gains don’t even bother me anymore because I figure oh, I’ll lose it and then I’ll gain it back – it’s like I’m comfortable in this cyclical pattern I’ve set up for myself.
At today’s meeting my leader had some really great points. One in particular is that she said: “Falling into a schedule can lead to bad habits”. It really struck home because that’s what I think has happened. I’ve fallen into a schedule where I snack at work and I snack at home at night. It’s been hard breaking these habits, and really I still haven’t broken them. I find it difficult to not give in to that voice – that voice that pops into my head at my moments of weakness and says – go ahead, what can one bite hurt? But then one bite turns into another and another and another. I also find it difficult to say no to free food. At work we have a plethora of crackers and snackables just sitting about – none of it healthy (and we work in one large open concept office so I can SEE it all, no out of sight out of mind happening here), I’m often at events where free food flows – why can’t I say no anymore?? What happened? What’s changed?
I need to REALLY re-evaluate how I eat during the day. I miss eating dinner at home – I haven’t been able to do that for about 2 months now. Most nights I’m on the go right after work. I miss making a proper meal – they keep me full and keep my evening snacking at bay.
Well off I go, trying to lose this 2lb gain this week. I hope I can do it. I’d love to have some significant losses, I’d love to feel like I’ve made some progress this year.
On a sillier note, in case you don’t follow me on twitter – yesterday I accidently wore 2 different shoes to work…and here’s the kicker, I didn’t notice it until well after noon! What?! Clearly one is an old pair…oops.