and now for something completely different: Trapeze!

That’s right! I went trapezing! What was I thinking… a few months ago there was a groupon for half off trapeze lessons and a friend suggested a group of us try it out. So we did.

Now, I have a crazy fear of falling – not heights as I am on perfectly fine on a stable platform no matter how high and I can look down no problem – so it took me some serious mental convincing so I could jump off the platform. Here are a few photos of the the ridiculous event. Sorry for the blurriness – it all happened so fast!

I’m pretty sure I was screaming for my life at this point:

I also realized that I don’t trust my own body. I have spent so much of my life coming up with convenient excuses as to why I couldn’t do something when I knew I didn’t have the strength/stamina/wouldn’t fit that I realized it is very difficult to start to change that mindset

I don’t believe my body can do things other bodies can do.

I’ve been overweight my whole life, so when I was a kid I never did stuff like the monkey bars because my arms were too weak to hold my weight. Well this all came back at the trapeze gym. I didn’t trust that my arms would support my body because they never could before. It was very difficult for me to let go and trust that I wasn’t going to hurt myself – because before with the extra weight I would have, very easily.

I’m also realizing that this mindset is infiltrating my weight-loss attempts. Simply put, I don’t think I can do it. I see other people who have/can do this, but I don’t think my body can do what other bodies can do. I’m not sure what to do to change this other then keep trying. I really think that I’ve only failed if I give up. If I stop trying.

This week hasn’t been too bad food wise, not as great activity wise as I’d like, but I’ll be off to the gym tonight.  I’ve been eating properly, full meals for the most part and I am within my points but I’m still not sure what the outcome will be Tuesday.

Although I will say I am looking forward to trying more new things in the future even though this was very difficult for me and brought out a slew of issues. I think my mind catching up with my body will be a long process, but the important thing is that I don’t let myself give up in the meantime.

What new things have you tried recently that you didn’t think you could do?

 

 

Someone Noticed!

A very quick post tonight – I just wanted to share: SOMEONE NOTICED I’VE LOST WEIGHT!

I’m so excited!! I knew it would take a while for others to notice on my frame, but to be honest I was getting a touch concerned – was it not noticable and all just in my head? I still can’t really see it in the mirror, but I can feel it (like my hip bones are making themselves known, and my clavicles, and my knuckles).

A friend I haven’t seen for a few weeks noticed and commented how I’d lost weight and that I was looking good. Her first question: are you working out? I LOVE it! I also like that she asked if I’d been working out – perhaps I’m also looking more toned?? Eek – as toned as one can look at 218. I wasn’t even wearing anything that would show it off – just regular black pants and a hoodie. Not exactly slimming.

Motivating for sure! Happy Dance!

Measurements: October

Those of you who have been reading my blog may remember that a month ago I decided that I was going to keep track of my measurements on a monthly basis.  This is part of my plan to help me be able to see the weight loss in a different light. You can’t argue with empirical evidence!

So here are my measurements from this morning:

Upper arm: 40.5cm or 15 3/4″ (Lost: 1.5 cm or 3/4“)

Bust: 115.5cm or 45 1/4″ (Lost: 1.5cm or 3/4“)

Waist: 110.5cm or 43 3/8″ (Lost: 3.5cm or 1 5/8“)

Hips: 120.5cm or 47 1/4″ (Lost: 8cm or 3 1/4“)

Upper Thigh: 71cm or 28″ (Lost: 2.5cm or 1“)

Calf: 50.5cm or 19 5/8″ (Lost: 1cm or 3/8“)

Weight: 226.4lbs (Lost: 7.4lbs)

Dress Size: 18*

*I now fit into both my size 18s and my size 16s, though the 18s are getting very loose. I will leave it at 18 for now.

Total lost: 18cm or 7 3/4 inches

The Polka-Dot Dress

Now, I may be assuming here, but I’m pretty sure no matter your size everyone has an outfit or piece of clothing that they love but think they can’t wear or pull off.  For me it’s the polka-dot dress. I absolutely love retro-styled clothes, but I just don’t feel comfortable wearing it. Most of this has to do with my upper arms.  It’s not just that they are big (I mean they are, but that’s not the reason) it’s that they have a funny crease about half-way down that I am VERY self-conscious about.  It stops me from wearing cute t-shirts because the trend for the last few years on women’s shirts has been short-short sleeves (which by the way, I think look good on very few women – I happen to think it’s an unflattering cut and makes the upper arms look larger than they are).

This also means that I NEVER wear anything sleeveless. NEVER. I don’t own a cute dress with straps or anything like that because I would spend the night distracted by my arms – wondering if everyone can see this weird crease/roll of fat on my upper arm – and I don’t enjoy myself.

And so, I’ve decided that one of my rewards for when I reach my goal weight will be to buy myself a cute, polka-dot dress with a halter-top like this one I found on the website called Scene Dead.

I am also taking steps to make sure my arms are going to be ready. Now I realize, having spent my entire life overweight, that my upper arms will never be small and tight – most likely I will have loose skin. But I can do some things – I focus on working both my biceps and triceps when I work out so that I am toning the muscles which in turn will help with my skin’s appearance when I do lose the weight and I drink lots of water each day to help my skin maintain its elasticity. I think I’m on the right path. But only time will tell.

Body Awareness

I don’t know how fat I am.

I’m actually serious about this.  I was reading a forum about the topic of body awareness, and I realized that I have some pretty skewed views of my body. I realized I do not have an accurate sense of just how big my body is and how much space it takes up. I’m annoyed when people bump into me on the bus. I think – can’t you just go around, sheesh! Every now and then I will catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror, as happened this Friday night, and see my body from the most unflattering angle. It is at these times that I realized what I must look like to the outside world – not standing perfectly straight in front of the mirror lifting my head up just enough so the double-chin isn’t as pronounced.

When I was at my smallest – 176.6lbs  – and I looked in the mirror the body I saw was the same body I had seen at 229lbs. I now realize why I was able to gain all the weight back and some. Because I never really saw the difference. Sure, as I gained my clothes got tighter and I had to go up a size every now and then, and my clavicles & hip bones became less pronounced, but when I looked in the mirror I saw the same body. I was told how great I looked, and how skinny I was becoming, but in the end if I didn’t see it, it was like it never happened. When I look back at photos from this time, I’m amazed at how “normal” I looked. Candid photos didn’t make me look horrible, I didn’t have to worry about double chins if I was snapped from an awkward angle.

Nowadays when I am just being myself, hanging out, working, etc. I don’t feel big. In my mind, my body doesn’t jiggle or shake. When I look down I see rolls and bumps, but I don’t think they’re THAT bad. That is, of course, until I see myself in the mirror or happen to sit beside one of my average sized friends. This past Friday night I was at an event at a hotel setting up for a show. I was wearing capris and a t-shirt as I was running around getting things ready when I sat down with a friend to discuss some details and I caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror. I LOOKED uncomfortable! I couldn’t believe it. I don’t feel uncomfortable, but just the way my body looked made me sad. It even looked like the chair was too small for me.

I have to say, it gave me the extra motivation I needed. I want the world to see the body I feel I have on the inside. I want the world to see me first and not my weight.

So I’ve decided to take my measurements. I’ve never measured myself but in my goal to SEE and become more COGNISANT of  the changes taking place I need quantifiable data – not just the weight on the scale and not just the mirror. Our brains have a habit of playing tricks on us.  And so, what better way to stay accountable than to publish my measurements here. I’ll update them once a month and hopefully it will help me see the progress I am making.

I measured my left side and also included my calf. I have HUGE calves and hope that they will go down, so I’ve included this measurement in hopes that one day I’ll be able to actually wear a pair of knee-high boots.

Upper Arm: 42cm or 16 1/2″

Bust: 117cm or 46″

Waist: 114cm or 45″

Hips: 128.5 cm or 50 1/2″

Upper Thigh: 73.5cm or 29″

Calf: 51.5cm or 20″

Dress Size: 18

 Weight: 233.8lbs